Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
