i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
