Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
