I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
