My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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