apparently the secret to your success is patron
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Help. Why am I so naked?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
