Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
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