I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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