Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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