he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
