I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
