I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Randomize
