i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
