He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I think i got beer on your cat.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
