Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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