I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
