my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
