so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
