Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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