I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
