K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
