I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
