thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
