Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
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