do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
