also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
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