Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
