Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
