So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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