matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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