He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
