I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
