So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
