white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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