a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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