Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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