She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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