She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
