Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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