the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
