if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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