I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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