Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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