I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Randomize
