chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
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