I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
