You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Randomize
