Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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