Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
