I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
